Diamond Dealer Pillows

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

Larry's used art

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

'Oh my God. I love it!'

"I think he was a celebrity."

'They look more up to date than the ones in your tool-box.'

Misunderstood artist

'Are you sure this is authentic ancient Indian art?'

Trilby - 'Je prong!'

'I don't like to take chances.'

You had me at vintage.

Dog in casino.

'I highly recommend this painting if you're interested in art as an investment.'

Antiques

'I'd like to match this credenza.'

'This is a letter opener, from the days before faxes and email. I just sold it online after I listed it as a vintage communication device.'

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

"Attention, everyone! I'd like to introduce the newest member of our family."

'We always like to give more bling for the buck.'

'Today, the dollar gained against the euro, pound, yen, yuan, the Picasso, Degas, and the Warhol.'

'Have you any idea just how little this is worth?'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

'In the 20 minutes it took for the pit boss to come back with a comp for the $10 buffet, I lost another $500.'

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'Who are you kidding? This is a wind-up isn't it!'

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

Auctioneer: 'Sold to the lady whose husband just walked out!'

"It may well be a hugely significant example of early 18th century Flemish art...but as head of merchandising I have to ask 'What would it look like on a fridge magnet?'"

Telephone line ends up buried in the ground with a headstone.

'Once again, I fold.'

December 26 - Vegas, office (post) Christmas party.

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

"It's called 'Sold'."

"My goodness, no! Grandfather would never, ever let us near this!!"

'Why do you always win at cards but not horses? I can't shuffle the horses.'