Devious Foodie Gifts

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

"And then, when I feel like a rum punch and breaded shrimp, I can just swim to Tony’s Trattoria."

Elfian lady grilling on mushroom: 'Summertime in the Enchanted Forest'.

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

Kiddies Menu for Witches

The candy house, if the tale of Hansel and Gretel would happen today.

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

'I don't trust him - he's got beady eyes.'

Pizza with Extra Extra Cheese.

GM Crops Genie.

The eye of newt - Is it gluten-free?

Hell's Kitchen specials: Lawyer thermador, barrister kabobs, litigator flambe, attorney tartare.

Horse meat scandal.

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

The moat won't keep you from raiding the fridge if you order him to lower the drawbridge.

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

'The stuff legends are made of'

'Uh yeah, it's supposed to be like that... it's a... it's a new invention.'

"All I've got left is smoked."

'What wine goes well with red meat?'

'It's topped with things I found under my sofa cushions.'

"Try and push the eye of newt and wing of bat casserole."

The big break in the case of the missing French Fries: 'But just to make sure, can you have each of them squawk.'

'Police. We have reason to believe you've been hacking into your neighbor's computers and stealing their recipes.'

I thought this year we'd do soup and salad.

When seasons collide

'You might try the chef's surprise, if you're a real daredevil.'

"What were you expecting?"

I know you wanted a virgin but it's all I could find at this time on a Friday night.

The Diet Fairy is here to grant you three dishes. . . as long as they're under 350 calories each.

"When you came down for a snack last night, did you see a plate of dog food in here?"

'It tastes like California condor, but it has the consistency of bald eagle.'

'Waiter! There's a . . . oh, never mind.'

Butcher Shop. Special: Soup Bones! Soup has bones?!

'Well, she ate the apple -- I SAID you should have the whole thing catered.'