Detox Devotee Gifts

'Hmmm... I'm not sure... What's the best blend for a coffee enema?'

Well that's me detoxed!

"How long do you think it'll take before he realizes I took his phone away?"

"How is the detox going?"

"Can I get back to you? I'm eliminating toxins."

"I feel naked without my phone."

'Actually, I'm de-toxing at the moment.'

"Let's have a detox binge!!"

"Honestly, it felt like Dry January was never going to end."

Be Healthy

Let's get organized

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

"It was a dark and stormy night, for the Wi-Fi was down."

"Lately, I've been trying to spend less time staring at the glowing orb."

'I gotta lose some weight.'

'The first thing you need to do is lose 40 pounds of that baby boomer fat.'

'As soon as I get a small tattoo, I'm going to take up yoga.'

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

"Listen, pal, they're all emergencies."

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

"According to my phone, society is on the brink of collapse, but, according to our living room, things seem pretty O.K."

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'