Dating Guru Parody Gifts

Armstrong, I'm not qualified to give you dating advice. When it comes to that stuff, I'm the WORST. Why not ask Randy? Because Randy's advice is as good as it gets. There's nothing to improve on, so it's a bad investment. But if someone gives me glaringly bad advice, I can easily spot the errors, correct them, and compile it all into a best-selling advice book. Dating tip #1: Dating is not an investment. Beautiful. Keep 'em coming.

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'The meaning of communinication is the response we get'

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

"Stepping on the gown never works. They run faster without it."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

Relationship Warning Lights

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"We've discovered they mate for life, as long as they don't discuss politics."

Frank was certain his Bird of Paradise mating dance would press all the right buttons with Margaret.

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

'You know too much!'

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

"I think we'd make a good team!"

$1: Family Secrets

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

"Well, you both sleep eighteen hours a day, so try to coordinate this to find a window for some quality time together..."

Love Conquers All

"Now there's a relationship that's working!"

Large Emoticon Collider

"If you let down your guard, I'll walk over the moat."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."