Dating Fail Survivor Pillows

"Sure you remember me. I'm the guy who collapsed here last night... right in front of your... and had to be rushed to the hospital."

Life is for the birds.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'Let's forget the duck de la margola and order something else!' (man seeing duck fleeing from cook).

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"Oh no! You, again?"

'I see. So what you're saying is that you woke up this morning and your woman had done left you.'

"You have to get up early tomorrow, too? We have so much in common!"

Mr. Chester's diplomacy

'When it comes to romance, Sherlock doesn't have a clue!'

"...ummm, remember that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped?"

"Oh, for butter curls on ice!"

"This is the last time I let anyone fix me up with a blind date!"

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

"The dinner date was a disaster! I realised he was still a "Mama's Boy" when I saw he was expecting me to regurgitate his food..."

'What happens when your little sister misses her toy money?'

"I knew I should've swiped left."

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but statistics show that 43% of 456 people covering 56% of the total demographic were 67% sure that we're really a lot of fun!"

"So this is what we call a 'red flag'..."

James and Sarah had no chance of sex with antibiotic resistant gonorrhea keeping them apart

"Recently separated."

"They don't call it 'The Boulevard of Broken Dreams' for nothing, kid."

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

'It was disgusting, Sheila...Our first date, and he pulls out his endpin!'

"Poor guy..he just got a 'Dear John' fax!"

"This is definately the last time I arrange a date over the internet..."

"When you said on your profile you are 'loyal and affectionate' I expected something a little different."

"Are you 'Athletic, bronzed male, early thirties seeking buxom, fun-loving younger female'?"

"I walked up to this hot girl with two drinks in my hands, and she turned to me, smiled and said, are you lost, Grandpa? The toilets are back there."