Dating Fail Survivor Pillows

"Sure you remember me. I'm the guy who collapsed here last night... right in front of your... and had to be rushed to the hospital."

Life is for the birds.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"Oh no! You, again?"

'Let's forget the duck de la margola and order something else!' (man seeing duck fleeing from cook).

'I see. So what you're saying is that you woke up this morning and your woman had done left you.'

"You have to get up early tomorrow, too? We have so much in common!"

Sorry, I don't play footsie on the first date. Neither do I. I guess that leaves rats.

"Oh, for butter curls on ice!"

'When it comes to romance, Sherlock doesn't have a clue!'

"...ummm, remember that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped?"

"This is the last time I let anyone fix me up with a blind date!"

Mr. Chester's diplomacy

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

"I knew I should've swiped left."

"The dinner date was a disaster! I realised he was still a "Mama's Boy" when I saw he was expecting me to regurgitate his food..."

'What happens when your little sister misses her toy money?'

"So this is what we call a 'red flag'..."

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but statistics show that 43% of 456 people covering 56% of the total demographic were 67% sure that we're really a lot of fun!"

"They don't call it 'The Boulevard of Broken Dreams' for nothing, kid."

James and Sarah had no chance of sex with antibiotic resistant gonorrhea keeping them apart

Days of Christmas.

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

'It was disgusting, Sheila...Our first date, and he pulls out his endpin!'

"Recently separated."

"Poor guy..he just got a 'Dear John' fax!"

"This is definately the last time I arrange a date over the internet..."

"Once again, Dave blew the date when his instincts got the better of his etiquette."

Rudy, I went out on a date last night. It was a miserable failure. Sorry. As my employee, you've seen me day in and day out. You know me better than anyone. Rudy, do I, your boss and sole source of income, have some personality flaw? Or did the fault lie with my date. Feel free to speak candidly. Mother.

"No she won't. She left her ring on the table."

"When you said on your profile you are 'loyal and affectionate' I expected something a little different."

"I walked up to this hot girl with two drinks in my hands, and she turned to me, smiled and said, are you lost, Grandpa? The toilets are back there."