Dating Dynamos Pillows

'You have her home by midnight, now!'

Cossack dancers

"Why don't you move over here, Mr. Lowery, where you'll be closer to everything."

"I'm not ready to put you on my favorites contact list, but I will add you to a group text."

'Usually when a man promises me a fish dinner, I naturally assume it will be at a nice restaurant.'

Boxes marked 'In', 'Out' and 'How did this end up on my desk?'

"Before we decide that SEO is dead, can someone tell me what SEO is?"

GPs could be forced to switch IT systems onto new NHS digital contract

"The character I'm playing has Alzheimer's disease. So, I'm bound to forget my lines occasionally!"

Computer tycoon, 'It's that nerd-do-well from next door,'

"Would you like to meet Kate? She's an acceptable risk."

"It's funny how people suddenly come out of the woodwork when they know you're taken."

'We've finished the dishes, Miss. Jenny washes, I wiped, and Susan picked up all the pieces.'

"Unfortunately your Twitter has been hacked. Fortunately it has been hacked by someone much cooler and funnier than you."

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

The auto-update demons attack-again."

'But enough about me... let's talk about you. Do you prefer plain or ribbed condoms?'

"A toothbrush with a DVD player?" "Yeah, now she brushes for half an hour."

Bebaaaaaaaop! (sheep)

"What's wrong, hon? You haven't touched my food."

Your numerous prescriptions really have improved my love life. I'm dating my pharmacist.

Politically Correct Dictionaries

'After scraping my tongue, flossing my teeth, brushing my teeth, whitening my teeth and gargling, I'm hungry all over again!'

Now that the last child had finally left for college, Dot and Neville went through the usual 'empty nest' grieving process.

I've got an attention span of a what are we having for dinner?

Two dancers in bejeweled suits and flat caps

"Look, I'm really having trouble with my computer. I need it to work and I need it now...and your fancy schmancy jargon isn't helping much."

'I'm afraid your daughter has a severe case of texter's neck and I see some serious tweeter's thumbs developing, as well!'

"If you won't let me pay for dinner, at least let me pay for sex later."

"You keep telling me to back up my computer. Well, I can't back it up anymore. It's all the way back to the wall."

The Takeaway.

Wife: 'I have a bone to pick with you.' Solomon (flippantly) 'With pleasure, my dear, so long as it's not a funny bone!'

"Quick! Hide! That may be my husband!"