Date Vetting Expert Pillows

"I've finished all the background checks and consulted a psychological profiler to see if they can identify any problem areas."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"Have you tried carbon dating?"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"You seem dangerous. I like that."

Boyfriend of the Month.

'You've changed since we got married.'

'It took me years of training, but now he's my perfect man.'

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

'We've been playing house for 5 minutes, and she's already nagging me to get a job.'

"I like an attentive lover, but these feedback forms are ridiculous."

The Stages of Wine

"I've never, ever taken you for granted, Ingrid."

'I don't know about you, but he was really beginning to get on my nerves.'

"You're looking gorgeous tonight darling..."

'I hope you agree, sir. They don't come any fresher than this!'

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

"Just tell us who's winning."

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

"It says here we should get a lodger."

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"I'm the lot of baggage he comes with."

"I do love you, Robin, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a full-on commitment yet."

'Standing on tiptoe waving your claw may attract a crab, but it certainly doesn't woo me.'

Sharing Drinks.

"Does it say 'I'm ovulating'?"

"All parents fight."

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

"I've had my eye on you for some time"

"Yes, this is exactly how wars start—because of someone's insensitivity!"

"Does this dress make my butt look big?"