Data Security Analyst Gifts

'Crusher' Collins: Data custodian by day, data bouncer by night.

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

Pounding speeds up the computer.

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

British savings accounts

"My email is down... talk to me."

The Future: "Sorry, but I have to show you an ad now."

The Anti-Agent

Robots search for people's personal information in the cloud.

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Human Error .. Yet Again.'

'3 Second Loading Zone.'

'My name's Google and I'm being inundated with requests for information about every damn thing imaginable, by people I don't even know...It's endless!'

Fear/Knowledge

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

"The report is clear that cyber crime is on the increase, it's a worry."

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

'To most people, 1984 is just a novel; around here it's our instruction manual.'

"Unfortunately, the consumer was not as demanding as we had hoped."

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

Olivia just hacked into the boy scouts' site and sold them 30,000 boxes of cookies.

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"One more time, Mr Claus - who sold you the data?"

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tick, tock-tock, tickety-tick tock ….

"Of course this'll be a great year. The data, sales projections, customer surveys, and my mom all think so."

Time for More Paperwork

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

"Always remember, sweetheart, that when the service is free, YOU'RE the product!"

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

Robots In The Boardroom

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

'With the increase in hacking, the I.T. department has proposed sealing all of our data in blister packs.'

'I think we'd be more confident about meeting our targets if we could work out what they were!'