Data Defier Pillows

"The guy who didn’t know his cholesterol, his B.M.I., his net worth, his I.Q., his credit score, his astrological sign, or his ancestry."

"Yeah, I got into trouble, but I think the principal really enjoyed my rendition of 'I Did It My Way.'"

"Always remember, sweetheart, that when the service is free, YOU'RE the product!"

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

'With the increase in hacking, the I.T. department has proposed sealing all of our data in blister packs.'

To do before Saturday...

"Don’t you eyeball me, Ed! That’s right, look down at the table. Only technicians who remember to back up the data can look at me! And if you start to cry I will fire you!"

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

Privacy Conference Security

"The date protection policy is all about access to information, and we all know information is POWER!"

'How do we know the NSA hasn't hacked your naughty list?'

'Research shows that while the number of surfers is somewhat constant over the year, there is a sudden increase in casual bathers over Summer...'

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

'I thought forty is the new thirty.'

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

Zoom Wedding

"They're worse than carpenter ants. We have hacker ants."

"I may be an aged whiskey, but inside I still feel like a fresh ear of corn!"

'I have the MRI scan of your brain. The right hemisphere is clogged with computer passwords.'

'We have to be forthright with the public. We have to have their confidence. We have to convince them we're working for the common good. Then we can invade their privacy.'

"No, I'm not writing a short story. That's my password."

"Fit the reality to our statistics!"

'Gimme all your cache!'

'Frankly, I'm a little concerned.'

Facial Recognition

"Your call may be monitored by the CIA, NSA, Russians, Chinese, space aliens..."

"Please enter the last 4 digits of your SSN...or enter all 9. They're all over the dark web."

'If this is your true age, then you're the youngest case of senility I've ever seen.'

'Invasion of privacy.'

If middle-age birthday cards were honest...

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