Dark Humor Buff Pillows

"No! No! I swear I didn't say nothing!"

"You should know something about me Robert...I'm an arsonist."

If that slips off and I break a leg, you'll be hearing from my lawyer.

The Tackle.

Tombstone with a barcode on it

"So was the old lady who lived in a shoe taken to court for whipping her kids."

'But I learned a valuable lesson: Before you put out a contract on anyone, be sure to read the fine print.'

'So doctor, what do the test results say? What are my chances?'

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Vlad the Impala

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

'... And this is my cellar.'

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Dead Funny

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

Another day at work would be one too many...

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

Out To Lurch