Dark Humorist Pillows

'I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want Woody Allen to be there when it happens.'

Brutal Interrogation Turned Children's Storytime

Vampire hunters manage to grab the dentures of a vampire.

Vampire coming out of a body piercing shop with a stake in his heart

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

Do laundry, finish taxes, Aunt Bev gift.

"My name's Karezog, Despoiler of Worlds, Devourer of Souls. I'll be your server tonight."

"Will it be all mine soon, dad?"

'Guys, I've been trying to quit... Could I have one last nicotine patch instead?'

"You're disgusting."

"The funeral for Joyce Henshaw, who died in a saw mill accident, will be held on Sunday at 11am and 3pm."

"What is it with you and your baggy clothes?"

"The best part of my days are photobombing at the retirement homes."

"My buddy liked living in the fast lane until a truck ran over him."

101 uses of a dead cat: flower bed ornaments.

Tim Burton

"It appears he just really rang in the new year."

"Death coach..."

1984 ; pop-up edition...

"Now that you've been given the vaccine, let us know if you start craving raw meat."

"Let's make a deal. You get my Halloween candy and I get your liver."

"The MRI, CT and CAT scans all say you're F****d."

"Gute arbeit, Herr Putin."

Cloud Cuckoo Land, "Martha, I've just discovered where Uncle George has gotten to"

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"I took the road less travelled, and that got me ten to twenty."

"The Usual But With Some Added Creepyness"

"Keep the scythe, bro. You're on a roll."

"Don't be a sentimental fool, Harker!"

After our sun sheds the last of its energy and collapses in on itself... ...after the solar systems degraded, their planets flung out and consumed... And after those billions of stars in their billions of galaxies are all slowly snuffed out one by one... ...and after the last of the supermassive black holes evaporates... A single last question will remain, drifting through the long, cosmic dark... To renew your universe, please update your payment details.

Dorothy missed the Scarecrow the most and spent years trying to smack her head hard enough to see him again.

'Well it was definitely an axe, and he was clearly a maniac, but I don't know... 'wielding' implies a whole level of skill I'm just not sure this guy had.'

Fiends Reunited.

'Tax inspector: In. Out. Suicide notes.'

Death by Television