Dark Humor Advocate Gifts

'Your 1 o'clock appointment is here, Mr. Barnes. I took the liberty of canceling the rest of your appointments.'

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

'... And this is my cellar.'

Out To Lurch

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

Another day at work would be one too many...

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

Dead Funny

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"How about if we just winter in hell?"