Dark Humor Addict Pillows

'After Graduation, I plan on working in warrantless surveillance by the C.I.A. How about you?'

'Don't worry about my husband. He's never home early since he started working for the mafia.'

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

'... And this is my cellar.'

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

Another day at work would be one too many...

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

Dead Funny

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

Out To Lurch

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

Murder in Apartment 6-K

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...