Dark Humor Addict Prints

'After Graduation, I plan on working in warrantless surveillance by the C.I.A. How about you?'

'Don't worry about my husband. He's never home early since he started working for the mafia.'

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

'... And this is my cellar.'

Out To Lurch

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

Dead Funny

Another day at work would be one too many...

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"How about if we just winter in hell?"

"O.K., time's up. Pencils down."