Dark Humor Fanatic Prints

"We can't go back to my place the cops are digging up the basement."

Sadie, what would it take for you to provide someone with an alibi? Let's see if you qualify for a discount. Was the crime funny? No. Was the victim someone I despise? No. Was the victim a slacker? No. Oh. Well

"There's a very good chance he's dead."

Postbox says 'Next collection: Friday, Next arson attack: Thursday.'

'To a vinculo matrimonii.'

'Come on - cry, this is meant to be the saddest day of your life.'

"Yes!" "We blew up our planet!"

"I still think it's inappropriate to put emoticons in your coroner's report."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Vlad the Impala

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

'... And this is my cellar.'

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

Dead Funny

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."