Dark Comedy Appreciator Pillows

Night of the living will

"So...I totally botched your surgery, but let's not get bogged down with recriminations and blame. It's time to unify."

'I'm quite impressed with your bloodthirstiness but we won't be able to offer you health benefits eternally.'

'Since I started drinking AB Positive blood, I feel a lot better about myself!'

'Know where I might be able to score some electrolytes?'

"So, Simkins, you are the whistleblower, or 'grass', as we prefer to call it at this hospital."

"Here comes one of life's little luxuries! Assisted dying."

Vampire shaving cut dilemma.

"Dearly beloved - We gather today to honor the life of the greatest magician of our time."

"You say you're feeling insecure and unloved? Of course. Everyone here is insecure and and unloved."

'Thanks again, doctor.'

"Running out for lawyers and CEOs. Want anything?"

"Oh, and a five and five ones."

"I haven't told Barry yet, but I'm planning to be cremated rather than being made into bacon."

"I was out of work once, but I got off my duff and cleaned out this rich old babe in Riverdale."

'Here you go, kid! A worm.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

"For the last time stupid, you're tin man, you are not by any leap of the imagination, anything like Iron Man!"

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

The Ferocious Viking Wiener Dog

'I believe we've located the cause of your back problem, Mrs. Kangaroo.'

Fly Fishing

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

Songs about Texas, next 1100 miles.

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

He looks so natural lying there...

'I asked Will if he wrote it. He said he wasn't sure.'