Dark Ages Gifts

'You call - we'll toss for Rape or Pillage!'

The first car accident.

"I don’t know what your invention’s called, but it’s really irritating."

"I've got a bad feeling about this."

Pre-Historic Gentleman's Duel

100 best beheadings

Early attempts at standardising currency.

'Don't throw the little silicon chips away -- we may find a use for them someday.'

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

'What do you mean you're afraid of the dark? You're a nightcrawler.'

How Witches Do Diabetic Testing.

Muggers nick nurses bag only to be showered in syringes

Poetry reading nightly

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

Monolithopoly.

Britain in 410AD

Meet the Artist

"I know I'm evil, but will I ever be diabolical?"

Can't you just text me..?

"I call it a 'portable fire-stick'."

'I can see much grief, suffering and misfortune ahead - and you'll always be dogged by extremely bad luck - but, the good news is you're going to live to a very old age!'

A vampire with a darkness flashlight

Service Entry.

Darby and Joan zimmer frame tandem

Sinister looking man sits near outline of body, with a sign that reads: 'All my own work'.

'I exercised all my life. Took my vitamins, watched my diet, and where did it get me? A major illness at one hundred and four.'

'Someday all this will be yours.'

"This is a Soul Card. We deduct a small monthly fee, and you get your looks back as long as there is a positive balance."

"Ah, that was another era. That was a month ago."

"Isn't it amazing! My horoscope said I was going to meet a tall dark stranger..."

"Leave me alone. I'm deciding who to leave out of my will."

'You want Goya - around the corner.'

'Ethelred - What we're offering is the chance to consolidate all your Danegeld payments into one manageable lump sum.'

Racing to Hell

"I don't care that your post got 53 'likes'. The world doesn't need to know about my prostate."