Dark Ages Gifts

'You call - we'll toss for Rape or Pillage!'

The first car accident.

"I don’t know what your invention’s called, but it’s really irritating."

"I've got a bad feeling about this."

100 best beheadings

Pre-Historic Gentleman's Duel

Early attempts at standardising currency.

My Mother Was Absolutely Certain She Would Not Succumb to Alzheimer's. She Was Wrong.

'Don't throw the little silicon chips away -- we may find a use for them someday.'

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

'What do you mean you're afraid of the dark? You're a nightcrawler.'

Muggers nick nurses bag only to be showered in syringes

Poetry reading nightly

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

How Witches Do Diabetic Testing.

Monolithopoly.

Britain in 410AD

'I can see much grief, suffering and misfortune ahead - and you'll always be dogged by extremely bad luck - but, the good news is you're going to live to a very old age!'

"I call it a 'portable fire-stick'."

Can't you just text me..?

Meet the Artist

A vampire with a darkness flashlight

"I know I'm evil, but will I ever be diabolical?"

Service Entry.

Sinister looking man sits near outline of body, with a sign that reads: 'All my own work'.

'Someday all this will be yours.'

Darby and Joan zimmer frame tandem

'I exercised all my life. Took my vitamins, watched my diet, and where did it get me? A major illness at one hundred and four.'

"Ah, that was another era. That was a month ago."

"This is a Soul Card. We deduct a small monthly fee, and you get your looks back as long as there is a positive balance."

"Isn't it amazing! My horoscope said I was going to meet a tall dark stranger..."

"Leave me alone. I'm deciding who to leave out of my will."

'You want Goya - around the corner.'

'Ethelred - What we're offering is the chance to consolidate all your Danegeld payments into one manageable lump sum.'

Racing to Hell