Dad's Downtime Club Pillows

'Your father used to want a night out with the boys, but now he's satisfied with a few minutes with Andy Rooney.'

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

Batman at the Maternity Ward

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"Notice how Dad ages faster at relativistic speeds?"

That's my daughter, Alayna

"Dad! I can't believe we come to the beach and you set up all the way out here! I can barely see the ocean...we're so far from the wa..."

Skateboard

'More toys! The way you kids spend, you must think bananas grow on trees.'

'Genius! Art class and snack time!'

A Father Clown marking the growth progress of his son's shoe size.

Maternity Arrivals

'Not today,son-not on Fathers' Day!'

Dad's home

'Please feel free to tell me if Junior is in your way...'

'Watch this! Open up a straw by scrunching up its wrapper! Now put a drop of water on that wrinkly paper tube! Check it out! It wiggles and grows!'

Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 5

Chip and Fran Cooper: The Most Embarrassing Parents in the World.

"If you're going to drink, we'd rather you do it in the house where we can party with you."

"What do you want to be when your dad grows up?"

'Either switch off his batteries or take 'em out!'

'Congratulations, you're a father. Now you'd better get out of here before her husband arrives.'

'Look at big woosy Sid, pushing his pram with two hands!'

'With a boss, a wife and three teenaged kids, I haven't had much time to worry about international affairs.'

Give me whatever and make it fast. What? What do you mean? My wife gave me ten minutes of freedom for Father's Day. And I burned through three of those just sprinting over here. We have four children and a fifth one any day now. She's tired in bed so I'm on 24/7 kid duty. I haven't left the house, taken a shower, or gone potty by myself since 2015. My ear hairs are skinny secret babies that whisper to me at night that I may be going insane. So for Father's Day, my loving wife granted me ten flee

"It's either "Bring your kid to work" day or it's "Drop of handbag in kindergarten" day today?"

Painting dad's face

"I hate it when the baby f**ks my face."

"Sorry I'm late, dad! Which number?"

'It's a boy...or a girl!'

Even in retirement, Moses kept his 'chops' up.

Beer 50

Daddy is busy right now. Why don't you ask your cell phone?

'Clearly every one of these suspects has stolen my identity.'