Cynical Corporate Comic Pillows

"This better not be another one of your crazy pyramid schemes."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'We're taking over tonight, it's the only way to save the farm.'

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

Executive gym with briefcases for weights.

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'Hawaii can wait. These reports cannot.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'You'll be broadening up your horizons in a cubicle.'

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."