Cynical Comics Fan Pillows

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

The finer points of marriage.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"I like what you have here but the title seems a little pushy."

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

'I finally understood 'negative numbers' when the teacher said they're just like the US budget deficit.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"Everything has been done to death."

Cricket widow's revenge

"Thanks for auditioning, you're too dark for the part but we were really impressed at how well you conveyed 'frustration' "

"I have nothing to hide."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

A vending machine is dispensing free lunches for $10

Information and Still don't get it.

'Scaling back public healthcare would be fine, but they'd better not mess with our congressional perks...'

"It's not your heart, JD-you don't have one."