Cybercrime Investigator Pillows

"Great news! All of those bill collectors stopped hounding me because the hacker who stole my identity is being hounded by them now."

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

'No doubt about it Captain. See these markings? This arrow belongs to Robin Hood!'

"Talk, Wallace - where'd you hide the loot?"

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

Fred Dinsdale - Forensic expert.

Alternative Medicine

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"True crime meets reality TV"

'See, dear, you can't believe everything you read. It says so right here on the internet!'

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

The new Physics

'Any ideas on motive?' 'Only one, Chief.'

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

Police outline artist training academy: the intro 101 class.

"Hacking and eavesdropping are my top skills. I guess you could say I'm a good listener."

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

'Looks like the victim was trying to tell us something,'

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

Police man stands guard at a murder scene in Egyptology department of a museum.

'It's the same EVERY year... 5 minutes to midnight; victims are all male, and they're carrying large sums of money.'

"... and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling forensic pathologists."

"All the salmon has disappeared yet every door to the house was locked. Oh, it's a mystery all right."

Bribery and Corruption.

CSI Wonderland. (Photographer takes a picture of a cracked Humpty Dumpty. Investigators collect evidence from the scene.)

Newton's Law and Order.

'By the looks of these skid marks, Humpty didn't fall- he was pushed!'

"When I grow up I'm going to be a police officer and follow in my dad's footsteps."

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

"I only told a few friends."

"I couldn't finish that book either."

CSI: Alaska. "What have we got, Ted?" "Looks like a snowball with a rock in it...I'll know more when I get it back to the lab."

Well, you're busted! Forensics just came back: the bite-marks match your dental records!