Cyber Crime Detective Pillows

"One of you got online and stole my identity, which is weird because there's not one thing unique about us."

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

Alternative Medicine

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'See, dear, you can't believe everything you read. It says so right here on the internet!'

The new Physics

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

"Hacking and eavesdropping are my top skills. I guess you could say I'm a good listener."

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

"Yes, I'm a superhero. I'm not attractive, muscular or charming because I work in the 'cyber crimes' division."

Vacancy at the Ecuadoran Embassy

I'd rather be phishing.

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"If this is secret information the government doesn't want us to know, how come we can read about it on facebook?"

"I think Baxter needs a break."

"They'll never guess how we stole their data."

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

"...and for your part in the computer fraud I sentence you to eighteen months @www.hermajestiesprison.co.uk"

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

The Darknet starts right here.

"If there's a way in, they'll find it."

"He opened his email and saw the attachment from an unknown source. His hand slowly reached to click on the paper clip. He had no idea what horror awaited him. . ."

Berlitz guide to Scamese

Amateur Spam.

'Remember when your identity was stolen? I just bought it back on eBay.'

It's only an email, what harm can it do?

"We're cyber criminals, Barnes, NOT common criminals. Go get cleaned up and look like you're tech-savvy."

"I'm getting old. . . I only got 17 hate comments!"

'Four out of five websites disagree with your diagnosis.'

"I already know he's gone — it's been on the Internet."

"Your internet researched analysis of your condition and treatment is impressive,and it would be 100% on target...if you were a goat!"

The Big Bad Wolf

"I warned him being online was dangerous."

"Hello?"

"My Hispanic Heritage Month Report is called 'How Gloria Estefan Invented the Space Shuttle.'"