Customer Service Consultant Gifts

'Are they finished? Right, wait until I report this to trading standards!'

Online form - Submit.

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

GO AHEAD ... MAKE MY DAY!

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"Great idea of yours to offer their money back if not satisfied."

Telephone message - 'This is a recording. If you'd like to speak to a real live human being, forgetaboutit.

Night-shift entrance

"Well so much for our policy of putting the customer second!"

"Wait, mister Samson. The manager said he'll give you a full refund and a year's worth of free stylings."

Communication

"More croutons, sir?"

"You may ask your questions only when I call your name. Don't waste my time with chit-chat. I don't have all day. Got that?"

"Ah — excellent catsup."

"Okay, ha ha, now seriously...Where's the rest of the nuts?"

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

"Why have you doubled the price of oatmeal?"

"Stop whinging and man up!" "Our new AI complaints management system still needs a bit of work."

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

"You can't say that to a customer!"

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"As an expert in loyalty, Fido will create an emotional bond with each customer."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Metropolitan Prize Puzzles.

"I'm considering going client side. That way I can still be an a*****e and actually get away with it."

Automated customer service.

"That's the Ommbudsman."

'Don't call us, we'll call you, inc,'

"Hey! You were that old sourpuss who worked at the motor vehicles department!"