Culinary Subcontractor Gifts

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

Soup of the month.

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

Garden.

Too much cilantro

"Tia Carmen's not happy unless she can send people away with a plate of leftovers for the road."

"Hmm...I LOVE chocolate chip ice cream...!"

Holiday Supplies

"I've had it with you guys! From now on, have your arguments on your own time!"

I love Cannelloni

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

Cook and her Maids

"Please don't kill me."

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

Surgeon carving a chicken/turkey.

'Giles is a surgeon who likes to bring his work home with him.'

"Marions nous! Tu payes les impôts, j'offre le resto!"

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

'Who ordered the shark?.' '

Junior Masterchef - "Darren Smith and I'll be cooking chicken nuggets with Mars bars in a CocaCola sauce"

The perfect man

"You're looking remarkably well done today."

"Pie chart"

'I used to have a regular restaurant, but it kept burning down.'

"Cut down on the pumpkin spice."

"A little lamb please."

The boss is truly a courageous risk-taker. Only he tasted the salmon mousse at last year's company picnic.

Elevator buttons : Rare, Medium, Well done.

'His Trout Almondine Veal Cordon Blue in mushroom sauce was crudely seasoned.'

"You wanted to see the pastry chef, sir."

"I see the businessman's lunch is up 50p."