Culinary Inspector T-Shirts

"Let's cut to the chase, baby. Is the egg salad fresh?"

On August 14, 2011 at app. 2:00 p, Derek Winslow made scientific history by converting an item of the animal kingdom into an item of the plant kingdom.

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

View to the Future

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Your lobster was off!

All Natural Nothing

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

Too much cilantro

"Is the MSG local?"

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

'I have to agree -- the value of pie goes on indefinitely.'

"I've had it with you guys! From now on, have your arguments on your own time!"

Countervailing Clichés.

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

HELLth Food Sprouts

"We've both made mistakes, Doug, but I consider the appetizers to be a thing of the past."

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

"Nice try, Mom, but I'm going to go with a caterer."

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

"Out with the old fish, in with the new."

"Number 2. Step forward please."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"