Culinary Critic T-Shirts

'Most people wouldn't wantonly eat the hors d'oeuvres if they hadn't read the book.'

"Sure, dead is important. But it has to taste good."

Zagat-rated.

"I'm sorry, but I can't sell you one until you give me the correct pronunciation."

'There's an inspector here from the Board of Health who would like to see the chicken soup.'

Now at the Farmers' Market

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

Avocado Timeline

'Were you trying to attract my attention, Sir?'

'Clearly my client would be slim, healthy and attractive if MacBurger had adequately warned him of the dangers of eating every scrap of food in their restaurant.'

'Hello - is that Jamie Oliver?'

"I find your ruling on the avocado-grapefruit-and-pomegranate salad overly narrow."

"Oh no, not dinner again!"

'Would you like a piece of advice, Mr Salmonella?' asks passer-by to gentleman opening a deli.

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

'They never quit, do they?'

'You predicted the dot.com bust, the housing bust and banking crisis - why do you have to ask 'what's for dinner' every night?'

Homemade Jam.

'Is anything O.K.?'

'My fortune says 'You will be hungry again in an hour'.'

'I'll pay double for half as much.'

'Personally I prefer English cooking.'

'I don't know if you're a mathematician but my wife's not happy with her Poisson distribution.'

'Do you want me to serve you with a French accent or in just plain English?'

'The food is great, but the service is slow.'

'Go for the 'Chef's Surprise.' It's ham salad I made fresh last week.'

'Maybe getting gordon ramsay to do the after dinner speech wasn't such a good idea after all!'

Gordon Ramsey's Dog.

'My fortune says 'You have enjoyed genetically modified rice and you will be hungry for more in an hour.''

'Waiter, there's no fly in my soup.'

'Is the mouse free-range?'

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

" 'Unlimited salad bar' sounded better on the menu."

Do we have to watch Gordon Ramsey flambeing swordfish steaks in red wine while we eat our frozen fish cakes and instant mash?

'Britain's filthiest restaurant!'