Culinary Consultant T-Shirts

'We don't say 'waiter' any more, sir - I'm your 'culinary choice consultant.''

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

Come dine with me!

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

On August 14, 2011 at app. 2:00 p, Derek Winslow made scientific history by converting an item of the animal kingdom into an item of the plant kingdom.

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

Soup of the month.

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"First cook the cake, then apply icing sugar and candles..."

"I'm so proud - she's already learning her shapes."

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

Garden.

"Mommy's going to teach you how to make a hamburger."

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

Too much cilantro

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

How to Deal With Leftover Turkey

'I have to agree -- the value of pie goes on indefinitely.'

Holiday Supplies

"Hmm...I LOVE chocolate chip ice cream...!"

I love Cannelloni

"Do you remember when we used to put FOOD in food?"

"I've had it with you guys! From now on, have your arguments on your own time!"

Chef uses Harp to cut Sausages

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"How's everything here? Let's start with your earliest childhood memories."

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"Please don't kill me."

"When I was young, we personally prepared all the food for each and every meal!"

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'