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'Tonight on the Gourmet Accountant - cooking the books.'

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

'-and I suppose you want chips with it?'

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

Night of the Latkes

'Don't order the Super Duper Jumbo Special.'

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

Thou Shalt Not!

Alphabet soup gets cold for slow readers.

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"Out with the old fish, in with the new."

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

Onion operation.

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.

Amy Sedaris

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Why don't I clang some utensils, make 3 grilled cheese sandwiches and we call it an early night?"

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

"She's losing a lot of cream cheese. We're going to have to cut her open."

Bottomless bowl of soup

'Ok. I'm cooking dinner. What sounds good?'

"I want to apologise for calling this meeting on such short notice."

"A votre sante!"

'We've run out of Parmesan cheese.' Food in pasta.

Papa's Pizza delivered in under 30 minutes.

'You caught 'em. You clean 'em.'

"Let's take this one step at a time. First, somebody is going to have to catch the fish."

"Your fish ... I'm sorry, but there will be a slight delay."

'Would that be rare, or medium rare?'