Crying Gifts

'There she goes again with another one of those chick flicks!'

"I always cry at weddings because I'm philosophically opposed to the institution of marriage."

'She got all the soap opera channels at a discount -- it's some kind of 'frequent cryer' program.'

"I can't come out, Mary is having one of her marathon cries."

'Wow! That was some world series, Ella! Both Pujols and Holland were just amazing...'

I only root so hard for my time because I hate your team so much.

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

"First snowman?"

Young Gums

'Hey, hey, hey!'

'I lost a fight with a mud puddle.'

Life after death

Onion Tears

Men can show their emotions!

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

"I guess laughter wasn’t the best medicine."

'Not without your helmet, you're not!'

S�ance "I'm through to your husbands voice-mail"

Football supporters.

"Your husband says BOO!"

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

Ventriloquist Grave

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

'Life is a precious thing, but simply breathing and existing isn't living...the end is inevitable for everything...I'm afraid that time has come for you, dear. I have to pull the plug...'

'Hope it's legit. I never had the chance to say good riddance.'

"They'd sold out of #1's."

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

"I finally have an ailment that isn't so bad that I'm worried, but bad enough for me to complain about constantly"

'I'm not making a mess, Mom -- I'm becoming one with the Earth!'

And the crowd goes wild—except for Mary, because she wasn't paying attention.

"Sorry, wrong room."

'The game was called off on account of rain.'

'Let it go. Get on with your death.'

"I warned you about playing at the tar pits."