Crying Gifts

"I always cry at weddings because I'm philosophically opposed to the institution of marriage."

'She got all the soap opera channels at a discount -- it's some kind of 'frequent cryer' program.'

"I can't come out, Mary is having one of her marathon cries."

I only root so hard for my time because I hate your team so much.

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

"First snowman?"

Young Gums

'I lost a fight with a mud puddle.'

'Hey, hey, hey!'

"I guess laughter wasn’t the best medicine."

Onion Tears

Life after death

Men can show their emotions!

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

'Not without your helmet, you're not!'

S�ance "I'm through to your husbands voice-mail"

Ventriloquist Grave

Football supporters.

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

"Your husband says BOO!"

'Life is a precious thing, but simply breathing and existing isn't living...the end is inevitable for everything...I'm afraid that time has come for you, dear. I have to pull the plug...'

"I finally have an ailment that isn't so bad that I'm worried, but bad enough for me to complain about constantly"

'Hope it's legit. I never had the chance to say good riddance.'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

'I'm not making a mess, Mom -- I'm becoming one with the Earth!'

Chick Lit and Boy Lit.

"Sorry, wrong room."

'The game was called off on account of rain.'

"I warned you about playing at the tar pits."

And the crowd goes wild—except for Mary, because she wasn't paying attention.

'Let it go. Get on with your death.'

'I don't understand it! On earth he was deathly afraid of flying.'

"Damn, I forgot to get her kugel recipe."