Cry Decoder Pillows

"Try verbalizing it."

"The emoji she used says she loves me..."

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

"I believe it was called 'cursive'."

Paw readings

'Who the heck told my wife I had rights to parental leave?'

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

'I sense this may not be a one-way journey.'

'Sheisse ... What ein dream!' - Freud

"The deadline for compliance just kicked in."

"Yes, human DNA is very close to ours, but obviously, they're missing the nucleotide necessary for caring for the environment. . ."

"I dreamed last night that I was furious at you for charging me for missing last week's session. What do you think it means?"

'He's one of those genetically-altered antibodies.'

"Since you're always asking, here's a list of my various kinds of sighs, with explanation of what each one means."

"Why do you wear green lipstick?"

"You have the right to remain silent, anytime you cry can be used against you...."

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

"I'm not sure she really liked our gift. She used just two exclamation points after 'Thanks'."

Office of Lyrics You Can't Understand

"Thanks to this new app, I now know Jim there is disgruntled."

Gin-etic Engineering

"I sure do have a family. There's my wife's DNA and my kid's DNA."

"Something’s wrong. I can tell by the way you’re being nice to me."

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."

'I've gone from spanning the globe at lightening speed to struggling with some techie's accent over a bad connection.'

"I had the strangest dream. I was suddenly in a room full of people, and I didn't have a stitch on."

Siggy

"People...do you FINALLY understand the concept of 'Visual Narrative?'"

"So what's the emoji for 'low-hanging fruit?'"

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

"I just had a communications nightmare! I dreamt that the postal workers were on strike, the internet was down and someone had eaten the carrier pigeons!"

'I got rid of those funny little spots in front of my eyes. Now what's bugging me is a buzzing noise in my ears, like somebody sawing logs.'