Cry Decoder Pillows

"Try verbalizing it."

"The emoji she used says she loves me..."

"I believe it was called 'cursive'."

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

Paw readings

'Who the heck told my wife I had rights to parental leave?'

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

'I sense this may not be a one-way journey.'

"Imagine There's No Heaven. It's Easy If You Try..."

'Sheisse ... What ein dream!' - Freud

"The deadline for compliance just kicked in."

"I dreamed last night that I was furious at you for charging me for missing last week's session. What do you think it means?"

"Yes, human DNA is very close to ours, but obviously, they're missing the nucleotide necessary for caring for the environment. . ."

'He's one of those genetically-altered antibodies.'

"Since you're always asking, here's a list of my various kinds of sighs, with explanation of what each one means."

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

"You have the right to remain silent, anytime you cry can be used against you...."

"Why do you wear green lipstick?"

DNA explained.

"I sure do have a family. There's my wife's DNA and my kid's DNA."

Siggy

"I'm not sure she really liked our gift. She used just two exclamation points after 'Thanks'."

Office of Lyrics You Can't Understand

'I've gone from spanning the globe at lightening speed to struggling with some techie's accent over a bad connection.'

"Thanks to this new app, I now know Jim there is disgruntled."

Gin-etic Engineering

"I had the strangest dream. I was suddenly in a room full of people, and I didn't have a stitch on."

"Something’s wrong. I can tell by the way you’re being nice to me."

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."

Today, this humble feature attempts to answer one of the great quandaries of modern times. Is it Louie Louie, oh baby, my hair gotta grow? Wrong! What are the lyrics to the Kingsman's Louie Louie?* *Must be gleaned by listening. No peeking on the internet!

"People...do you FINALLY understand the concept of 'Visual Narrative?'"

"So what's the emoji for 'low-hanging fruit?'"

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

'I got rid of those funny little spots in front of my eyes. Now what's bugging me is a buzzing noise in my ears, like somebody sawing logs.'