Croc Expert Pillows

'He must have crept in at night. The important thing is to stay calm.'

"I'm exempt from the company fitness program. I have triplets at home."

"It's something new I've been trying. Social scientists call it 'Productive Disagreement.'"

'Some idiot's pulled the plug out!'

"Ha! Today we informed the boss about our rights!"

Sometimes I feel the company would collapse if we weren't here.

Psychiatrist with bartending diploma

"Count them again. There can't be more trouble sports than there are countries."

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

"Don't worry. Mum and Dad think I'm just talking to my invisible friend."

Now hiring: crowdfunding expert to reduce the US budget deficit.

My husband is a world expert, but unfortunately it's only on maganese bronze.

'I love crocuses. They seem to defy the winter snow to let you know spring is coming.'

'How was your luck, dear?'

"If anyone can balance a career with motherhood and state-sponsored terrorism, it's Jeannie."

Walk the dog.

'Have you Googled your homework, yet?'

Wal Max - Complaints Department

Let the profit-making begin!

Office of Management & Budget. Now hiring: crowdfunding expert to reduce the U.S. budget deficit.

"She stood me up. I hosed off my Crocs for nothing."

'According to this load analysis, we're overweight by one hundred and fifty pounds. Any suggestions?'

'You have to pick up your game: My dentist says you've neglected to clean my back teeth...'

"According to my calculations, the world's water level will not rise due to global warming!"

"I love how you children are taking to our summer home!"

'Sometimes, it's good to get a different perspective.'

'I've been looking everywhere for that!'

"O.K., Marv, you win. Quit the croonin' and get a condom."

'Look at me!! I'm standing!! I'm standing!!!'

"The black flies go away when the mosquitoes show up."

'Men, these Easter eggs are our primary targets.'

'Now's a good time to get a feel for your negotiating skills.'

'I'm not a big fan of product placement especially when it's under my crib.'

'I said no more surfer snacks before the feeding frenzy!'

Things we're sick of hearing