Crime Show Critic Gifts

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'No doubt about it Captain. See these markings? This arrow belongs to Robin Hood!'

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

'We subpoenaed all of 'Mr. Big's' electronic messages. They're in morse code.'

"Now that's a win."

"Don't make me warn you again, monkey. Stay outa the curiosity racket."

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'You don't have a license and registration, do you?'

Can't Touch This

"At some point, there's only so high you can raise the volume before you admit you're never gonna understand what British detectives are saying."

Fred Dinsdale - Forensic expert.

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

He's making a list --- Holmes solves cases quicker when he itemizes deductions.

"#notguilty."

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'When I grow up I want to join the SWAT team!'

'I hate frisking magicians!'

"Okay so which one stole your cereal?"

'Hey, buddy -- can you keep a secret?'

He loves the water.

Lawn Order. It's a landscaping show about maintaining a tidy yard.

Miami Mice

"Take your time. Do you see the person who made you wear that dress?"

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

'Careful, Mugsy, he's got a tool.'

Can't Touch This

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'