Crime Satire Fans Pillows

3 Guys Stealing

'Please be patient sir, this gent was here first.'

"What a coincidence. I did my own taxes too."

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

'I got 397 dead birds and the mayor breathing down my neck. So, is this our perp or just another copycat?'

'Not much cop are you!'

Petty Aero Larceny - I Stealing a Dinner.

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

'I'm hoping to get into Crime Sprees.'

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

"Do you want to order a contract killing, Don Carlos, or a pay-as-you-go killing?"

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

"It was passed from my grandfather to my father, from my father to me, and now from me to you. Twenty bucks."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

Man sees his double in ID parade. Policeman says: 'Please indicate which of these men stole your identity.'

"You mean to say, Mr. 'Smiles,' that someone else left the scene wearing size 22 shoes?"

'Okay, I'll give you the money, but this could negatively affect your credit rating.'

'First off, your average Paolozzi has far fewer holes than your Moore.'

Mafia machine gun case.

Good Mop, Bad Mop.

"Do you recognise the giraffe who hit you?"

New York City, the Bronx, and another successful Vice Squad raid comes to wraps (real vices used for arresting criminals).

Therapy among thieves

The Codfather.

'He's working undercover to find out 'what up' with youth gangs.'

'And what do you do?'

"When you're ready, please try to identify who it is that you think you saw in your home in the early hours of last Easter."