Crime Comedy Lover Pillows

I am an insane eye doctor and I am going to kill you now...

'Okay, pal -- time to give something back to the community.'

The controversial but effective good cop/sad cop routine.

'Can you prove it's your hat?'

Insurance - "I need some contents valued please."

"Talc is cheap."

Little Red Riding Hoodie.

"Looks like it's gonna be one of those days!"

'Maybe you can find your mugger in this book of mug shots, or as we call it, 'Criminal Facebook.''

'Just move along...Nothing core to see here.'

'That's not good enough!'

'I'm not here to arrest you, I'm here to hold the door open.'

"I'll teach you to muscle in on my business- it's a concrete undercoat for you."

',,,And make it look like an accident,'

Mafia clowns can fit an unlimited number of bodies in the trunk.

'Your money and your eclairs.'

Crime scene outline on the floor of a grocery store.

"Hello Billy, how is your mother?"

'Let me get this straight...someone stole your getaway car?'

Hoodies exchanging business cards - mugagranny.com and happyslapper.com.

"Oh, and remember to roll up the rug the other way when you're done so it'll lie flat again."

"Better idea! Let's obstruct traffic in the guy's neighborhood and make his morning commute difficult!"

"What do you mean they managed to get away again!?!"

(Career Criminal Counseling) (You appear to be honest, upstanding and respectable. You should try con games.)

"I'm just going to step into the bank to get some money for dinner."

"I know it's hard. We all look exactly the same to me, too."

Wanted for mail fraud.

"Hey, make sure you don't forget - you're no longer Eddy Wurster from Dover... you're Ben Fishkopp from Bath!"

"....And good luck in the Witless Protection Program."

'Better go back and get another bag. . .this will loose 2% by the time we get home.'

'We know you're in there Bannerwitz! Now open the dam door!!'

"The pen, too! Throw in the pen!"

It's not that crime doesn't pay, it's that it has a terrible retirement plan.

Sadie, what would it take for you to provide someone with an alibi? Let's see if you qualify for a discount. Was the crime funny? No. Was the victim someone I despise? No. Was the victim a slacker? No. Oh. Well

"Carpet? What carpet?!"