Crankiness Aficionados Gifts

'It's a shame it took me so long to learn how to just enjoy being p**sed-off.'

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

Agility God

Tortoise and hare on treadmills.

Advanced aerobicizers wait till after class to aid the fallen.

Janet Leigh

"You have the Hum bug.'

Books versus TV.

Safe harbour

Dave realised he was facing the interview panel from hell.

"You invented a time machine to come back and hit Reply instead of Reply All?"

When he runs out of beans, Lou discovers that civilization was not, after all, destroyed on January 1, 2001.

Gym Paperboy.

'Our company will solve the world's energy problems. Every day's worth of oil will burn for eight days.'

'It appears she's none of her grandmother's subtlety.'

'These baby teeth are a non-renewable resource rapidly being depleted and should bring more.'

Hard-working.

'You're doing it wrong!'

'Don't worry, Jerry, we have a car. I mean, what animal could keep up with a car?'

'And here's our new and improved version.'

'Go thru the files and get rid of everything that's over ten years old...but make copies!'

WD40

'I am preparing for 2013, and I suggest you do the same.'

"The hardest part was training the squirrel."

'Pop the hood. I think your inverted Republican fiscal flux capacitor is slowing you down.'

I know they're not as filling, but i love thin and crispy!

'No, no - he isn't chasing me - we're jogging!'

Shopping Cart Races

'I don't care how high he jumps. My name should be on top.'

'How elaborate. Most women who don't want to go out with me just say no.'

'Sorry we're late, we had trouble finding you.'

Callers of an impatient or grumpy disposition may widh to hang up at this stage.

Washing machine maintenance

The last judgement

'Is this high enough?'