Crafting Humorist Pillows

"It's a beginner's sewing kit I put together for you. There's scissors, needles, bandaids, gauze, antiseptic. . ."

'I knew there was part of the pattern missing!'

Football Chameleon

'I knew there was part of the pattern missing!'

Do it yourself books.

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'Are you sure you brought the right flat pack?'

'The hard hats? In case of falling interest rates.'

'My analysis indicates the need for an asbestos-ectomy, electrical-graphs and a plumbing-bypass.'

'Still workin' on the beard, Jerry?'

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

Dave, determined to go green by using only solar powered tools, will hereafter check weather reports before making bids.

"Hold still, it's a programme about making your own tv cabinet."

Cost cutting construction ideas that failed: using rhubarb instead of rebar in concrete.

"No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants."

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

'Useful Drywall Screws' next to a huge box of 'Useless Drywall Screws.'

Murphy bed...Murphy.

Poorly planned Chanukah crafts

"Jeez, Honey, will you hurry up in there? I've been hibernating all winter, too, y'know!"

Private work adjustments

'No, I'm his cousin, Sasquash.'

Outlaw Quilting Bees

'That's gonna be a big job, boss.'

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"And then, after they were done with their bodies, they baked them at 350 degrees for an hour."

"Is this your first bricklaying job, Kevin...?"

'Remind me to tell the crane driver to bring a flask tomorrow.'

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

'He thinks we're watering down the cement.'

Sheepdog

'You have good taste in natural material usage, but your electrical work is substandard.'

"I'm getting notes of 2 x 4."

"Son, you're old enough now to whittle your own condom."