Crafting Humorist Pillows

"It's a beginner's sewing kit I put together for you. There's scissors, needles, bandaids, gauze, antiseptic. . ."

'I knew there was part of the pattern missing!'

Football Chameleon

'I knew there was part of the pattern missing!'

Do it yourself books.

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'Are you sure you brought the right flat pack?'

'The hard hats? In case of falling interest rates.'

'Still workin' on the beard, Jerry?'

'My analysis indicates the need for an asbestos-ectomy, electrical-graphs and a plumbing-bypass.'

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

Dave, determined to go green by using only solar powered tools, will hereafter check weather reports before making bids.

"Hold still, it's a programme about making your own tv cabinet."

What happened to "will work for food"? Will write funny gags for food. You Fusco Brothers need funny gags way more than you need your lawn mowed.

Cost cutting construction ideas that failed: using rhubarb instead of rebar in concrete.

"No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants."

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

'Useful Drywall Screws' next to a huge box of 'Useless Drywall Screws.'

Murphy bed...Murphy.

'No, I'm his cousin, Sasquash.'

Is the heating contractor mad about something? He just needs space to vent?

I like going across the frame of this solar energy facility we're building. I'm waling on a sunbeam!

'That's gonna be a big job, boss.'

"Jeez, Honey, will you hurry up in there? I've been hibernating all winter, too, y'know!"

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

Outlaw Quilting Bees

"And then, after they were done with their bodies, they baked them at 350 degrees for an hour."

Private work adjustments

Poorly planned Chanukah crafts

"Is this your first bricklaying job, Kevin...?"

'Remind me to tell the crane driver to bring a flask tomorrow.'

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

'He thinks we're watering down the cement.'

Worker takes Boss out in a wheelbarrow

"Son, you're old enough now to whittle your own condom."