Cozy Comedy Fan Gifts

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Giraffe Umbrella

Bad fake tan day.

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

Vlad the Impala

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

A Fairytale Update

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

'We have a beautiful relationship. Why spoil it with a hug?'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

Caddie brings his golfer a shovel in the sand trap.

"First date hairball... awkward."

"That'll be five bucks."

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Out damn Spot