Cousin Gifts

Zumma Cum Laude

"Son, your mother and I, Grandpa Jack, Grandma Kate, Uncle Danny, Aunt Sue, Grandpa Sy, Grandma Jenny, Cousin Rhonda, Tugger, and Sprinkles are gay."

"We just haven't been flapping them hard enough."

"They had their names removed using the right to be forgotten."

"Oh, hell."

Peer Pressure Washer.

"I'm just here to pick up some bagels."

"Honey, is Ambergene the name of my cousin's daughter or my sleep medication?"

'My reading comprehension is so-so, but I do make up for it with my highlighting skills.'

Suzie would later win a Nobel Prize for her Law of Special Social Relativity.

"I'm getting the fire-breathing dragon with wings. He wanted $200, but I talked him down to fifty bucks."

Non-Uniform Day Today.

'Uhhh... Houston, we have a problem.'

"And this is my cousin Dave, who handles the conventional wisdom."

"We may be in trouble. . . the prosecutions expert witness can usually tell if a defendants been good or bad!"

'Wow! That's some growth spurt!'

I wanted to be a barrister or solicitor but now I want to be a burden on society

'What makes you think I'm not listening?'

Department of Nanotechnology

'All cats have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a cat.'

Australian wedding, sheep gesturing, 'If there's anybody here who knows why these two should not be wed...'

"Westminster's over, Shep-it's all about possums now."

"How long will we, the descendants of wolves, be content with table scraps and belly rubs?"

'Don't look at me! Your cousin is the one who recommended them.'

'The team we're playing tonight is good 'cause I heard they know how to turn and stop!'

"I'm afraid he left everything to charity... Oh, I see. I take it your name's Charity?"

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

"I know it's misspelled, but market research shows that cute sells."

'My next selection is a protest song against piano lessons.'

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'Told you so.'

Bad Heir Day

'I always thought he lived in Margate?'

'...I thought Einstein had a theory on 'relatives'...'

"Ma didn't want to leave out anyone."