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"We medical practitioners do our very best, Mr. Nyman. Nothing is more sacred to us than the doctor-plaintiff relationship."

“This daily metamorphosis never fails to amaze me. Around the house, I’m a perfect idiot. I come to court, futon a black robe, and, by God, I’m it!”

'Your witness.'

'I didn't hire a lawyer, but I found a neuroscientist who can explain why it wasn't my fault.'

"Oh-oh, we're in trouble!"

'If you'd broken a law, I could get you off ? but you violated a Federal guideline!'

Contest of wills.

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"Unfortunately, the law allows me no leeway in the case of an acquittal. I have to let you go."

Barrister defends bear: 'Your honour, it is my client's view that these scurrilous allegations have damaged his reputation and have made almost impossible any further visits to the woods.'

"Are you all agreed upon this verdict?"

"Your Honor, it was a lot for any jury to be expected to believe...but we fell for it."

"If it please the court, I'd like to act as my own plucky young female attorney."

"Did you join the testimony-of-the-month club?"

'Just because you're the lowest scum of the Earth, a complete misfit of society, a smalltime worthless punch, doesn't mean I won't give you a fairy trial.'

'What kind of excuse is that? -- we all grew up without internet access!'

"Objection."

"Do you need an attorney, little boy?"

'We finally reached a verdict.'

'Your honor - I own the patent to the entire guinea pig.' 'And I own the patent to the guinea pig's genes.'

'I admit I killed him...but it wasn't murder...It was an accident...'

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury duty..."

'I think I can get one of your three life sentences dismissed.'

"Frankly, it's no better or worse than any other form of government."

"I don't mind your acting as your own attorney, but would you please stop hopping on and off that damned chair?"

'I claimed that I coudn't remember what happened, and they got me for 'shamnesia.''

"Well, if everybody does it, it must be o.k."

Maxims for the Bar.

"Not guilty, because your lawyer came up with some great excuses."

'After we showed him the partial print we got at the crime scene he decided to lawyer up.'

'You are hereby sentenced to be rebooted.'

'The jury has reached a unanimous verdict, Your Honour.'

"Don't worry about me! Find witnesses!!"

'The Supreme Court today upheld a lower court ruling, only to have it overturned by Oprah!'

"There've been some cutbacks in the witness protection program since you agreed to participate."