Cosmic Investors T-Shirts

"I hear the Universe is expanding - set up a meeting with their people."

Boptimism

'The good news is we've discovered a vast new oil resource. The bad news is we need a space ship to get there.'

"You called me, boss?" "Yes, I overheard you talking to patrons about all the new planets we’ve found." "I want you to stop doing that." "At least until I’m done buying up as much of that real estate as I can. I don’t need any competitors driving up the prices." "Very bad man." "When the hipsters run out of cities to gentrify here, my properties on Gliese 581c are going to make a killing."

Frank and Ernest Celestial Accountants. How's the audit of the Bankrupt Universe, Inc. going, Ernie? At first I thought it was a personnel problem -- Halley's Comet shows up once every seventy-six years, the supernovas are a bunch of burnouts and of course planet Mercury only works eighty-eight days a year. But the real problem isn't personnel, it's corporate strategy! Strategy? What's wrong? Universe, Inc. thinks it can keep expanding and expanding forever and ever!

'Stocks plummeted on news of your demise.'

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

Big Bang For Your Buck Investments...Specializing in space technology.

'I sure wish there was a formula for picking the right mutual fund!'

"You have $3,098 in the bank? I'm impressed! So...do you think about investing it?"

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

'I invest in emerging markets.'

'Houston, we have a problem.'

"Sadie, they found a planet orbiting Proxima Centauri. That makes way over 1,000 planets we've discovered in my lifetime." "It must be exciting for you, discovering there are 1,000 worlds full of people who can't possibly know what a doofus you are." "...Unless they've got telescopes." "It is exciting. Now I know how you must've felt when Oog the Caveman discovered Venus." "I see you're bringing what passes for your 'A-game' today."

Portrait of Sigmund Freud

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'

"I'd like to explore the futures market."

'Good news! The stock market is about to explode upwards on...'

When Euclid and Galileo get together they talk about parallel universes.

'If the universe is expanding, shouldn't we invest?'

God changes the channel with his remote.

'Bill, we've decided to increase your sales territory.'

"Hurry it up, Solomon Brothers are waiting for my decision"

Invested pot of gold in the stock market.

Investment firm: National division/International Division/Universal Division.

Ok, I've set you up with an offshore back account, so you can hide your valuables for use after the oncoming apocalypse. You're too kind, sir. Where is it? Caymans? Switzerland? That's amateur stuff. The economy's increasingly global. When America goes down, it could take the Swiss and Cayman economies down with it. Then where – To open your account, I'll need your passport, tax returns, and a map of your genome. Bank of Deneb Prime. Trump turned me on to it.

"I don't know what it is, but it's big and I'm putting it on ebay!"

'Oh, you're from earth. Do you know Aaron Michaelson?'

"You're part of the NASA Space Program! Really? I've heard that lame pick-up line sooo many times..."

'It's not that I'm opposed to globalization. I just want to take it one step further.'

'I tell you what, no more dates with Astronomers! What I thought would be a romantic walk under the stars ended up being a two-hour Physics lecture...'

"I'm thinking of investing. Do you invest?"

"You had me at sextile moon."

The Devil and an angel talk by the water cooler.

"You have a really weird energy."