Cosmetic Cynic Pillows

'Excuse me, would you mind...?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Now that you've all had a chance to try the shampoo we would like you to fill in this questionnaire.'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Obama builds own gallows.

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

Sucking Up to Gen X

'Oh I've always been a sceptic, through all my past lives.'

Old Rope

'Look! The first active ingredient is marketing spin.'

Mail & Political lies.

"...and the women who used the placebo makeup turned out to be just as attractive."

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

Unnecessary Surgery

'The truth is there is no 'Youth Formula' worth millions. This is Mountain Dew.'

'Against Joie De Vivre': Meet the author today.

The Sequel is Coming

'Mom, when did your beauty start to slip?'

Glop With Packaging

You've got to get on board with celebrity endorsements. People love your voice. They trust it. Bite me. Okay, then we'll find someone else to dupe your pathetic audience, sell them stuff they don't need and make them feel deep regret. Hold on. You never mentioned the spiritual benefits. I didn't want to play this card. To think of the shame I could inflict.

New! Cell-U-Lite Tellaphone: 'Hmmm! There's something wrong here!'

Such a Coincidence

"Pipped for 3rd place - weighed down by those eyelashes."

Shampoo - New Flick In The Eye Cap

'Ha! I can see right through that!'

"It's possible I suppose, but not before the strong have stripped it of everything worth having of course!"

'It's too bad about them banning DDT. I was just getting to like it.'

"I will never read that book, and I'm eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."

His campaign promises are like pieces of rubbish. They're never kept but they are recycled.