Corporate Schmoozer T-Shirts

'Fantastic meeting! . . . Just fantastic. Why don't I have my weasels call your weasels.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

"Yes Sir, I'm still working on the 'ins and outs' of their proposal."

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

Areas of the Body Where Stress Can Manifest

"I'll show you our growth projections but only if you promise not to snicker."

'Got to admit,as far as mission statements go, it's pretty damn bold.'

"Quit stalling, Smithers. Where's the SALES chart?"

"We've decided your suggestion to have a day care center here at work has merit."

Not a surprise, coming from the new boss - who looks about 6 years old.

'How about we just sit here a while to regulate the gaps in our service?..'

"We need to think outside the pentangle."

'I see everyone got the memo.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'

'Anyone who opposes the plan I'm about to propose please signify by saying 'I resign.''

"Stock options won't do it. I'll also need a ball of yarn."

Now may not be a good time,he just found out he's not going to live forever.

'But this is what you demanded; a corner office with Windows.'

'Brains...brains...brains...'

'It's easy, Greg. Just get in touch with your inner regional sales manager.'

Frank and Ernest Celestial Accountants. How's the audit of the Bankrupt Universe, Inc. going, Ernie? At first I thought it was a personnel problem -- Halley's Comet shows up once every seventy-six years, the supernovas are a bunch of burnouts and of course planet Mercury only works eighty-eight days a year. But the real problem isn't personnel, it's corporate strategy! Strategy? What's wrong? Universe, Inc. thinks it can keep expanding and expanding forever and ever!

Okay, start shouting them in for their annual bonuses.

"I didn't get where I am by trying to please."

"Well, I've emailed, faxed, and phoned Dobson. Maybe I should just walk down the hall and talk to him..."

Help wanted. Various positions available.

Finger on the Z Key

'Well I've finished the project on time and on budget!' 'Oh, that means I've given you too much time and too much money!'

"Any further comments? Alright then, we're adjourned."

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

"Our long-term plan is like our short-term plan, only longer."

Looks like another profit's warning

'We had no contingency plan for things going right.'

"We are extremely short-staffed here and you would need to be okay with that. For example I’m the janitor, but I also do interviews in between emptying trash cans."

"It will scare away our competitors."