Corporate Humor Lovers Pillows

Desk plaque reads: Plunder globally, media-manage locally.

'These business meetings are like panda matings...The expectations are always high, but the results are usually disappointing.'

'I know I said this was an 'open age' vacancy miss Jones. But from now on, only send in people who still have a pulse!'

"How do they tell each other apart?"

"We still offer executives the Golden Parachute, but now it's a real thing in case stockholders storm the 59th floor."

'The industrial safety inspector? Are you kidding me?? He's there, right behind me!'

"Oh, yes, 'Aloha' also means 'you're fired.'"

"Feel free to hydrate during my presentation."

How does this sound? 'The generous pay award reflects the additional responsibilities, workload and stress of the Chief Executive's position.

'Our founder!' (A Viking)

'Monkey Business'

'How long were you safety officer at the nuclear reactor?'

"Misery loves our company."

"This is our Head of Transformation and Change, Doctor Jekyll."

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

'Well the good news is that we've landed some huge contracts in China!'

'Office' block tightening it's belt

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"I'll show you our growth projections but only if you promise not to snicker."

'Got to admit,as far as mission statements go, it's pretty damn bold.'

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

"Quit stalling, Smithers. Where's the SALES chart?"

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'