Corporate Humor Fans Pillows

"I believe I already know most of you from the drum circle."

'Remember, we're all in this together - except for Purvison, who will take all the blame.'

"The following is a test of the fire-alarm system. It is only a test. Please ignore the intense heat and combustion."

"I think we must accept that things have got to get worse before they can get even worse."

'How can we see our service through our client's eyes?'

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

'Listen, we're going to fire you today. But before you leave, can you have those reports I asked for finished and on my desk before my meeting?'

'The firm has unfriended me.'

'We're not allowed to employ bankers anymore.'

'This is Mr. Wilkins, the council's safety officer.'

Jeff hated performance reviews.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

'Sorry, but you can't return anything approved by quality inspectors #4 through #27, who were laid off.'

"...The only slight drawback is - he knows nothing about engineering."

'My goodness! Every 12 year old has got a better gun than yours, your mask is stupid, and I'm not even going to mention your working clothes. Here, take my card.'

"We'd like to offer you a sales position but of course you'll have to start at the cellular level."

'Please lace a staff vacancy Ad for me...'Assistant Required, either sex statistics 36, 22, 36'.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

'Well the good news is that we've landed some huge contracts in China!'

'Office' block tightening it's belt

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"I'll show you our growth projections but only if you promise not to snicker."

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'