Corporate Etiquette Gifts

'I don't know the dress code either... but I bet it doesn't include jammies!'

'I hate long meetings so in order to save time can we agree to talk at once?'

'While they always come back as unfounded, maybe you could prevent these allegations of sexual harassment by not telling people you like the cut of their jib.'

'Sorry, J.B., but I never merge after a first meeting.'

'Is there any other business we can attend to while we wait for Ms. Kravetz to recover from using the 'F' word.'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'This is from a post-ethics phase.'

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

"No coal here, either - but you never know until you look."

'Risky, but I like it!'

"Yoo hoo, the meeting's over here."

"Well here's my idea: Why don't we try serving better coffee than them?"

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Whoa! Back up a second... 'R & D' stands for 'Research & Development?' We always thought it meant 'Rip-off & Distribute!'"

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic was fine. I just don't like any of you and don't want to be here."

The awkwardness of one's first officeplace fist-bump.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'High five Sir? We usually seal the deal with a handshake.'

"I hit reply all too many times."

Sportswasher's

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

Office computer: 'Thank you for not using me for personal business.'

Have our P.R. people do a report on the beneficial effects of cyanide on river life.

"I advise a slow, steady stream of lawsuits to weaken your enemies resistance. We call it time release litigation."

"I don't mind getting email from you, Stevens. But don't ever send me another smiley-face emoji."

Political Integrity Explained

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"I need you to look at the big picture, Boswell. Not the little one of my trophy wife."

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

"I can check again, but Mr. Saunders usually insists on the full wait."