Business Etiquette Buff Gifts

"Actually write thank-you notes to my best customers with a pen and paper? But I wouldn't have spell check!"

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"Sinclair's not all he's cracked up to be. His reputation exceeds him."

'Kroogshank, why do I think that you try to hide from responsibility?'

'Sorry, J.B., but I never merge after a first meeting.'

'We need to boost our earnings by giving our earnings a boost.'

"Yoo hoo, the meeting's over here."

The awkwardness of one's first officeplace fist-bump.

Fisher, this memo of yours, it needs more punch

'All my venture capital is tied up in Miss Umpley, there.'

Boss to employee: 'You think you've got burnout? Are you sure it's not dry rot?'

"I hit reply all too many times."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'High five Sir? We usually seal the deal with a handshake.'

Office computer: 'Thank you for not using me for personal business.'

Let's shake on it.

"I finally got that order off Benson last night. He signed it with a chopstick and soya sauce."

"This is a computer speaking. I will now misconnect you and your party."

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"I don't mind getting email from you, Stevens. But don't ever send me another smiley-face emoji."

"Ssssh. . . it's time for his verbal warning."

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"I can check again, but Mr. Saunders usually insists on the full wait."

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

"I need you to look at the big picture, Boswell. Not the little one of my trophy wife."

Conference Rooms - Cell phones being handed in.

Department of Unrealistic Dividend Earnings: 'We realize it is an unnecessary department but the acronym was just too cool to shut it down.'

"They don't allow cell phones."

Boring and unnecessary meetings