Corporate Critiquer Gifts

'The IRS is here to bite the hand that feeds it.'

'I could personally hand you this report, but instead I'll fax you a blurry copy so you'll have to call me back for my interpretation.'

"Of course I'm p****d! I just found out we're getting these things for our Christmas bonus!"

"I've been hearing some disturbing things about you, Higgins."

"Anyway, I'm making crazy money selling out humanity."

"Remember when on retiring you'd be given a gold watch to tell the time...whereas now you just get told it's time to go!"

How long have you had these delusions about being important to a call centre?

'When the economy goes bad, small business takes a bath, while big business gets a Jacuzzi!'

"Yes, you do get your bonus today. My assistant is empty the change out of the vending machine as we speak."

"The unions are ALWAYS moaning about the amount top management get paid...."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'That's our mission statement.'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

'I give this one about three months...'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

XYZ Inc, putting a folksy, human face on unfettered corporate greed for over 50 years.

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

'What kind of a mission statement is that?'

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

"Brandon isn't adapting well to the open office concept."

Suggestions box in a toilet.

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?