Corporate Critiquer Pillows

'The IRS is here to bite the hand that feeds it.'

'I could personally hand you this report, but instead I'll fax you a blurry copy so you'll have to call me back for my interpretation.'

"Of course I'm p****d! I just found out we're getting these things for our Christmas bonus!"

"I've been hearing some disturbing things about you, Higgins."

"Anyway, I'm making crazy money selling out humanity."

"Remember when on retiring you'd be given a gold watch to tell the time...whereas now you just get told it's time to go!"

How long have you had these delusions about being important to a call centre?

'When the economy goes bad, small business takes a bath, while big business gets a Jacuzzi!'

"Yes, you do get your bonus today. My assistant is empty the change out of the vending machine as we speak."

"The unions are ALWAYS moaning about the amount top management get paid...."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'That's our mission statement.'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

'I give this one about three months...'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

XYZ Inc, putting a folksy, human face on unfettered corporate greed for over 50 years.

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

"Brandon isn't adapting well to the open office concept."

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

"I think he's overreacting a little when it comes to controlling his employees."

Someone needs to tell him that having Churchillian leadership skills requires more than a 10'' havana