Corporate Critic Pillows

'Who vetted that leader?'

"Still, you've got to applaud the transparency."

"But I've never made any real money. . ."

Your proposal is bold and innovative but we are a traditional corporation. I would prefer changes like the ones we've tried before

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"We've seen all the data and crunched all the numbers, now, heads or tails?"

"I can give you a 93.4% assurance that there is less than a 65.6% possibility that this excercise will simply generate 34.8% more meaningless statistics."

Quality Control

'We need a campaign to tell the public that we put social responsibility ahead of profits so we can make more profits.'

'Your entire performance review is based on what you do in the next thirty seconds...go!'

Accountability

Marketing Spin

"Only time will tell whether this merger makes sense or not."

'Whose idea was it to use enron as a benchmark?'

"You look far too relaxed. Around here you're expected to stress for success."

'Oh, not bad, but the new asian branches are driving me nuts.'

Desk trays - 'In' and 'Out-sourced'.

Vice President in Charge of Smoke and Vice President in Charge of Mirrors

"I attend meetings therefore I am."

'That's our mission statement.'

'Are you in their internship program, as well?2

'There is no 'i' in team. As leader of this team, I want that changed.'

Information in, delay, & never out.

'We deny most claims, but that's how we keep your premiums so low.'

'I miss the good ole days when the world paid little or no attention to us.'

'No wonder the company is in trouble!'

"And, for insurance purposes, you must buy insurance."

'Variety is the spice of life, O'Toole; but at this firm conformity is the meat and potatoes.'

Modern management?

'Whenever I get discouraged, I just say to myself 'Sure, my company exploits indigenous people around the world, plunders natural resources and leaves desolation in its wake, but, by golly, that's not what defines me as a person!...''

'Let the minutes show that Fenwick brought up the subject of corporate ethics.'

'Good news: First-quarter profits should be strong and second-quarter prison sentences should be light.'

Man in office reading dictionary, "Ethical, ..Hmm doesn't seem to be in here."

'It's not a question of right or wrong, gentlemen! It's a question of, can we get away with it?'

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'