Corporate Comedic Relief Pillows

"I bought this mattress for you so you can sleep in the office when you're working overtime...hey! I was expecting you to be a bit more grateful, mister!"

What's wrong - 'I just had a horrible day dream.' - 'Oh, poor Peel.' - 'I was their p-p-p-prisoner... They made me do t-t-terrible things.' - 'But didn't you just get home from work?' - 'Terrible things...' -

"A raise? You want me to give you a raise? Do I look like f*ckin' Santa Claus?"

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Now that I have your attention...'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"